Those Words given by My Father That Saved Me as a Brand-New Father

"I believe I was just trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the demands of being a father.

Yet the reality rapidly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health complications around the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her chief support as well as looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The direct statement "You're not in a good spot. You must get some help. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now better used to addressing the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a larger failure to communicate among men, who continue to internalise damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It is not a sign of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - particularly in front of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a respite - spending a few days overseas, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.

He understood he required a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she needed" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of feelings and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor choices" when he was younger to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a friend, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - taking care of you is the best way you can support your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their pain, altered how they express themselves, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, sometimes I believe my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am discovering just as much as you are through this experience."